“I am sure that by the end of 6 months, I would have lost around 6kgs. That is my New Year’s resolution,” “So what if I’m putting on a little weight during Christmas, I’ll lose it in the New Year, no?” Ahhh the most common resolution heard when the New Year approaches (a.k.a the resolution that is soon forgotten by the 5th of January, after all we have to wait for the wedding season to get over till end of January. Kuch problem nahi, I’ll lose it in February……. Unfortunately February is usually before the season of Lent, so I might as well stock up on reserves of food- after all in Lent I’ll become Veg, no? This is followed up by ‘Bring out the chicken’ for Easter and summer vacations yaar, I’ll lose weight from June onwards. But lest we forget our birthdays that often crop up at the time when we are so very determined to lose weight. ‘Aunty, aunty I’ll have one more piece of cake, ok?’ Followed by ‘Anything Beta, eat eat he’s a growing child after all (even if you are 25 yrs old).’ Then there is The Feast of the Assumption (more chicken) and Bandra Fair. ‘Dude c’mon yaar, it’s Bandra Fair, perfectly logical to spend Rs. 100/- on chicken tikka that normally I’ll never eat at the station. After all, it’s Bandra Fair, everything is expensive in Bandra.’ Not to forget the more common ‘My neighbor gave me pedas for Diwali, it’ll look bad if I refuse it, even though I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to make a scene.’ Which brings us back to Christmas the following year when you try on your pant and say, ‘I can’t believe this pant is not fitting, it must have shrunk it’s the only possible explanation’; or ‘I’ll make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight next year. 100% sure. I’ll stick to it this time.’)
Why is it that everyone always feels the urgent need to eat more than they can during Christmas? Hmmm perhaps, and this is only my thinking, we have to understand the root cause. We need to delve, we need to investigate, research, dive, rummage and plumage into the simple fact that we have been brought up like this. After all, think long and hard, when was the last time you saw a Santa Claus who, when he looked at his feet, could actually see them? While everyone is struggling to get 6 packs and 8 packs with Atkins and dieting, good old Mr. Claus goes around proudly displaying the family pack. (which begs the question how can he fit down a chimney, why does he need to wear a fat black belt, and the all important: How come Rudolph, Dancer and Prancer’s backs are not killing them as yet? But let us not get carried away from the topic at hand…)
Isn’t it odd that we find only the chubby to be jolly? While in this baffling predicament of why Santa doesn’t lose weight, I did the obvious, I set up an interview with the great white shark….errr…..man himself.
Below is an excerpt of the conversation:
Alvito: Good day Mr. Claus, Thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule to answer a few questions for my blog.
Santa Claus: Not at all, I am always happy to answer any questions my flock might have. But just a request, don’t call me Mr. Claus, you can address me by my real name, Mr. Williamson.
A: Huh? Williamson? That doesn’t sound very jolly.
SC: Well, my father’s name was William and I’m his son, hence I become Williamson. It’s better than getting thousands of SMS’s from kids each day about what they want. At least now TRAI introduced a golden rule of just 200 SMS’s per day. PHEW!
A: Ummmmm ok. Let’s get straight to the point. How do you feel promoting an unhealthy image to all the youngsters out there?
SC: (getting agitated) First of all, let me make it quite clear to you brazen youth that I jog for 15 minutes each day. And besides up in the North Pole one has to wear bulky clothes to stay warm. The clothes make me look big.
A: So you are saying that if you wore a tracksuit, you would look much thinner?
SC: Ahem.. Let’s just put it this way, would you rather have my relative Arnold Schwarzenegger or a jolly old man deliver presents?
A: (Wow, I never knew he knew Schwarzenegger, I better leave quickly, lest he makes me do pushups) Just a couple questions more sir. Making the elves work for you, doesn’t that constitute child labor and how do you manage to deliver all the presents in just a single night?
SC: Labor? Absolute rubbish, the North Pole doesn’t have such a law and to answer your last question, a good magician doesn’t reveal his secrets…
Well, there you have it, straight from the boss’s mouth. Although he evaded my inquiries regarding his unhealthy body image, losing a few pounds wouldn’t be so bad for him, at least then he wouldn’t be fooled by his elves. (Elves slacking off know when Santa is coming downstairs… they can hear his heavy breathing all the way down! Not to mention that the first thing they see of Santa when he rounds a bend is his protruding paunch). I’m also pretty sure that Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen would be able to cover more ground in a much shorter time, without the excess baggage. Just to play fair, let’s look at it from the jolly man’s eyes, shall we? Imagine waking up day after day only to order others to make toys. However even in that case, technically, he should lose weight, after all who has not lost a couple of pounds due to work related stress?
Would it be beneficial to have a boot camp for Santa? Or perhaps a demonstration with placards for the same? Would Santa benefit from not having to worry about his cholesterol levels? Well, definitely, after all ‘thin is in, right’? After all, unlike Samson from the Bible whose secret of strength was his long hair, I doubt Santa’s source of jolliness is not his extra layer of blubber. So, according to me, Santa needs to get his act together and get himself a treadmill. A little running for 20 minutes each day before sitting down to a hearty meal wouldn’t hurt him. After all, the only exercise he really gets is when he travels the entire world in one day (and that too, he sits in his sleigh!)
Or, instead of making jolly good Ol’ Nick take up this responsibility, next time remember that instead of leaving cookies and a warm glass of milk for him on the roof, stick to chappatis and a Diet Coke….. Hopefully he’ll get the message!